Tilda Swinton has long been one of my favorite actors and style icons. She’s tall, slender, and strikingly beautiful. I am none of those things and perhaps that is why she so utterly mesmerizes me. Sometimes she can look almost otherworldly. And she always has fabulous hair. So, earlier this year, I decided to try and copy her hairstyle. Hey, be kind, it has been a shitty year so far, and I needed a diversion from the end of democracy.
Runway slayer Tilda Swinton
In January, I showed my hairdresser, Kelly, a picture of Swinton and shared my hair goals with her. I adore Kelly and I have been seeing her for longer than I can remember. I think of her as a dear friend who happens to also cut my hair. Kelly looked at the photo on my phone and said cheerfully, “I think your hair would look great like that.” Everyone needs a Kelly in their life.
She told me it would be a process and would entail growing out the top of my hair longer than I’ve been accustomed to. So, Kelly went to work, and I was surprisingly pleased with the results. In fact, I was feeling pretty cool about my new hair. My dear wife really liked it, but only a couple of friends noticed. Still, I had a little Tilda swagger that gave me a much-needed lift.
Twinning with Tilda – use your imagination – and maybe photoshop some lipstick on me
That’s how it started. Now, I’ll tell you how it’s going. I’ve been called “sir” twice in the past month. This is really nothing new for me. That’s happened throughout most of my adult life – since I cut my long hair off in the mid 80’s. I’m going to be honest – it stings. And I just don’t get it. Yes, I’m a gold star lesbian, but I’ve never purchased men’s clothing – I mean, I don’t even own a flannel shirt. And I always carry a purse – not a Velcro wallet stuffed in my back pocket. I may not present particularly feminine by classic definition, but I move through the world that way. That is who I am, so it is a very unpleasant experience to be identified otherwise.
It happened recently when I was leaving a shoe store. A teenaged boy was walking out ahead of me and held the door for an older man coming in who looked at me and said loudly, “After you, sir.” I could feel the familiar rush of embarrassment and the hot tears that fill my eyes but never quite fall as I made a quick dash to my car. I was not in a great mood that day anyway and my reserves were low, and I just sat in my car and cried. Okay, I might have also visualized saying “fuck off” to the guy who called me sir.
Stuart Smalley knows that it’s a really good feeling when the inside matches what you see in the mirror.
On the drive home I started thinking about my trans friends – many of the female ones who are far more feminine than me. And I wondered how horrible it must be to be deliberately and forcefully misgendered by the government of your own country. The trans community was the low hanging fruit for Trump and the MAGAs during last year’s election. About 1% of Americans identify as transgender – approximately 2.3 million people – and Republicans spent $215 million on anti-trans ads. Manufacturing fear is expensive, but effective.
Imagine having to misgender yourself on a passport application for fear of being denied approval. And that’s just one of the hideous ramifications of Trump’s assault on trans Americans. People will lie and people will die. But at least Nancy Mace won’t have to worry about getting raped when she pees in a Capitol restroom.
Perspective is a good thing, so I’ve given myself a reset on how to react when I’m called sir, because it will most certainly happen again. I’m going to try and not go to a dark place. I know who I am and most days, I like that person. I’m the kind of person who smiles and holds the door for strangers. And besides, I have fabulous hair.
I see my trans friends and I love them. Original art by Cat Rocketship Art. instagram.com/@cat_rocketship
I knew Monday was going to be a historically shitty day. I mean, come on, how often is a convicted felon inaugurated as president of the United States? Note: That will be a future Jeopardy question years from now. Anyway, I knew I had to be proactive in my approach to surviving the coronation of Donald Trump, so I did what any reasonable radical left lunatic would do – I got the hell out of town. Yep, strategery as W would say.
My dear wife and I and two of our besties, Lori and Sue, loaded up the SUV and headed for Augusta, GA. Hold on, I know you’re judging our destination. We wanted somewhere that wasn’t that far of a drive (3:45) and a location that was further south so weather would less likely be an issue. We booked a pretty Airbnb apartment in a renovated house built in 1860 and conveniently located near downtown.
Just some Dixie chicks still not ready to make nice. (Sue, me, Joy, and Lori)
I’m sure Augusta feels different in April when The Masters golf tournament is in town and the azaleas are in bloom and well, there are people everywhere. In the bleak midwinter, Augusta made Winston Salem look like Manhattan. Not a lot was going on over MLK weekend and that was just fine for us. We strolled the Riverwalk along the Savannah River and had two of the best dinners out I’ve had in a long time. And we went to the Morris Museum of Art and heard live music and toured their current collection. And the best part? I didn’t think of Donald Trump once. Mission accomplished.
Sometimes you just need a walk along a river.
Actually, that’s not entirely true. My friend Ed lives in Crozet, VA and grew up in Augusta. His wife Chris saw a Facebook post I had made and knew that I was in Ed’s old stomping ground. She texted me the address of Ed’s childhood home and on Saturday afternoon we did a little drive by. I thought it would be cute to take a funny selfie in front of Ed’s house and send it to him. Augusta suffered a lot of damage during Helene and I was afraid the old home place might look really bad. Turns out, it was worse than I could have imagined.
Sorry, Ed – you really can’t go home again.
Sunday night, we made pizza and watched football. [Insert lesbian jokes.] And I saw that I had an in-box message from my old pal Kerrie in Greensboro. We aren’t close friends, but I’m always delighted when I run into him. He has a wicked smart political mind and we always seem to get each other. He said that he would be thinking about me on Monday and gave me a humorous pep talk about all the work we have in front of us. He told me that it was going to be a rough few years, but “one day I will wake up to the good news that he is dead, and I’m not and on that day, there will be much rejoicing.” That’s Kerrie and I was so touched that he reached out.
I woke up Monday morning with an undeniable feeling of dread, but before I could go down the rabbit hole of despair, I got a text from my good friend Sue in St. Paul. Sue is 82 and moved to a retirement home in MN a few years ago to be near family. She had a stroke a handful of years ago – not that you’d ever know it – and we have had a daily wellness check-in since then. She texts me when she gets up – which is almost the same time as me, even with the hour time difference. There have been plenty of days, especially during this election year, that I’m pretty sure she was checking in on me. Either way, it’s a lovely way to start one’s day.
Sue always has my back and she always has a plan. And that plan has a to do list.
Sue told me that she had invited some of her like-minded friends to join her at 10:30 AM to walk 2,029 steps in their high-rise building. Why that number? That represents the year that Trump will (maybe) no longer be president. Folks on walkers and wheelchairs were included and everyone was invited to “walk” as little or much as they wished. They planned to walk the four floors, climbing the stairs or taking the elevator as they got their steps in.
Sue’s Senior March in her retirement home sounds like a great plot for a Netflix movie and my dread disappeared for a few hours. I hope when I’m Sue’s age, I can be a wise owl, too.
I looked at social media a bit on the drive home – no, I wasn’t driving – and saw Melania’s hat and Hillary laughing about the Gulf of America. I couldn’t look at any photos of Kamala because I knew I would cry – well, cry some more. There have been a lot of tears this month.
Honestly, good on her – I wouldn’t want to have to kiss him either.
Our drive home was filled with laughter, 70s music, and M&Ms – girls gotta do what they gotta do. And I saw that I had an in-box condolence message from Walter, my emotional support Canadian that I met on our trip to Spain and Portugal in 2019. Sometimes I think Walter knows more about US politics than I do and I always appreciate his insights and sense of humor – like when he refers to Canada as “not the 51st state.”
Lori and Sue dropped us off in front of our condo and I noticed that my neighbor had finally taken down her Trump yard sign. For a millisecond, I was happy. And then I saw that she had put up a huge Trump flag on the side of her condo – featuring a picture of Trump with some idiotic saying like “We took back our country.” But wait, that’s not all. She also put up one of those garden flags that says God Guns & Trump. Bloody hell! I could feel my face turning red and I was consumed by anger. I can try to not look at Trump for four years, but I can’t not look out my front door.
Just shoot me
My wife pulled me inside and I’m fairly certain she was wondering how she could live with me for the next four years. I’m sure she’s open to suggestions. Fostering might be on the table.
That evening we drank wine and avoided the television like it was radioactive. I thought I would stay up and watch the College Football National Championship game, but I just didn’t have the heart or energy for it. So, I dragged myself to bed and was scrolling through my phone and saw that I had an Instagram message from the daughter of one of my best friends from 4th grade. She has two young daughters and lives in VA. She sent a photo of one of her girls watching Kamala be sworn in as vice president four years ago. Her message had no words – just the broken heart emoji.
I have to believe that she’ll see a woman sworn in as president one day.
Even though her message gutted me, it also gave me some embers of hope and comfort. This is how we will get through these next four years – by checking in with each other and lifting each other up when we’re down. Yes, there will be a shit ton of hard work, too, but I hear from a reliable source that hard work is good work.
And when we fight, well, we’re bound to win again one of these days.
Keep fighting, friends. I love us.
Stay focused on what’s most important to you these next four years. (Carbs highly recommended.)
“The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.” ~ Henry James
Get off my lawn!
The election has been over for a month and three days (yes, I’m counting) and my neighbor still has her Trump sign up. I live in a condo development, so my neighbor’s tiny yard is just a few steps from my front door. Every morning, I wake up and look out the window – and there it is – the five-letter word that compels me to spew four letter ones.
It’s not just the sign – but that would be enough to unhinge me these days. My neighbor came to the U.S. from Cuba to escape a dictatorship and now she supports another dictator. Why? I would love to ask her, but she speaks little English, and I speak no Spanish.
Honestly, I’m more sad than mad about it. I have always liked her – she lives with her elderly mother and another woman close to her age. They keep their condo looking neat and pristine and they wash their cars more often than I floss. They are pleasant neighbors and now I think they are trolling me. For the record, I couldn’t take my Harris sign down until last week. It just made it all feel so final.
Kamala served meals for Central Kitchen on Thanksgiving Day. I am grateful for the joy and hope she offered us.
I’ve been hibernating since the election – mostly for my own protection. I have been short tempered and mad at the world, well, specifically the 49.9% of voters who elected Trump. I’ve been heartbroken and feeling hopeless at times. I’m keeping my cable news fast and finding solace in the quiet. Until I see that damn sign.
My dear wife tells me to ignore it, and I’ve tried to do that to no avail. So instead, I fantasize about pulling the sign out and throwing it in the dumpster – a perfect metaphor. But I would never take down someone’s political sign, especially if that someone had a Ring Doorbell camera.
I assume the sign will come down eventually, at least I hope so because I am fairly sure I can’t convince my wife to move. And even in my depressed state, I know it’s not really about the sign – but how the sign makes me feel differently about my neighbor. And I don’t even know my neighbor’s name. It’s not like those of you who now feel differently about folks you have known and loved for a long time. My sister is struggling deeply with two such relationships. I wish I could comfort her, but I got nothing – save for sadness and bewilderment, oh, and righteous anger on my good days.
Class dismissed
I’m taking time to grieve what might have been and reflecting on what I want my next four years to look like. I know for certain that I want them to be spent working for something rather than against someone and I know there are almost seventy-five million folks out there like me. And there’s probably a couple of you in that group that know a guy who knows about taking out yard signs.
Just kidding.
I’m going to leave you with a sweet epilogue to my recent post about my friend Will.
Here’s an excerpt from that post:
The best advice I’ve gotten as I’ve been wallowing in despair came from my young friend Will, the son of one of my best friends from fourth grade. Will is in his late 30’s and works as an accountant. He is differently abled and like all of us who represent a minority, is worried about what the Trump administration will mean for his community. We love to talk sports – especially since my wife has below zero interest in them. He told me the story of how Jackie Robinson was angry and worn down by the racism he was experiencing as the first African American to play in Major League Baseball. Robinson’s wife simply told him, “Keep showing up.”
And that’s what Will said to me at the end of our long conversation late last week when I was feeling so hopeless – “Keep showing up, Addison.”
So, I came home last night from dinner with friends and had a package in the mail from Will. Wait for it…
Home run!
Yep. Will sent me my very own Jackie Robinson action figure. Are you kidding me? And they say there’s no crying in baseball.
“First time farce, second tragedy.” ~ Bill Kristol
How it started…me, Kamala and Beth
I hate this post and I hope you hate it, too.
We’ve been here before, but this feels different – even worse than 2016 – and I didn’t think that was possible. Imagine the unimaginable – or is it the unmanageable?
This time is different. Hillary Clinton was a flawed candidate even though I enthusiastically supported her. You know what I mean – her emails and that deplorable comment – although to be fair, she nailed that one in spades.
Kamala Harris was a magnificent candidate and she ran a great campaign in 107 days. Trump’s campaign was almost two years long – it only felt like seven. Donald Trump won a free and fair election and I’m not going to take a dump on Mike Johnson’s desk to protest his victory – even though I feel shitty today. And yesterday. And tomorrow.
How it’s going… me and Dewey’s cake squares
The people have spoken, only they’re not my people – even if I’m friends with some of them or even related to them. I have always viewed my vote as an affirmation of my values and I clearly don’t share the values of what is now a majority of Americans. They chose immorality – felony convictions, sexual harassment, vulgarity, insurrection, lies, more lies, Arnold Palmer’s big putter – over decency and democracy – oh, and the reproductive health of women. But hey, I get it – the price of eggs is apparently a deal breaker for folks who don’t really believe in deal breakers.
Stuart is my people. He and his husband have been together 14 years. And he’s one of the kindest souls I know. This was his “I Voted” selfie.
In the cold dark hours of Wednesday morning, when it became apparent that we are going back after all, I sat on my couch and felt like I was teetering on the edge of the abyss. My dear wife had gone to bed because she had to go to work the next day and see a full slate of therapy clients. Silver lining – I’m feeling good about her job security with Trump’s victory. We’re going to need hella lot of therapy. And Kit Kats.
Marco (far left) is my people. He is from Italy and became an American citizen in 2016. He’s a college professor and canvassed in PA with his union. Citizenship remorse is a thing, right?
Writing is how I process the world – the good, the bad and the apocalyptic. And even though I could hardly see through my fear (not a typo) smudged glasses in the dark, I tapped out a Facebook post trying to capture my feelings. I didn’t intend to publish what I wrote, but I think I needed to connect with my people – the people who believe in deal breakers. The post went viral – at least by my modest standards. Over 40 people shared it and almost 200 commented on it. Let me be clear – this doesn’t mean I’m a great writer – but don’t let me stop you from thinking that. So, this blog post is an extension of that election night post because, well, I had more to say. And maybe you want to hear it.
It became very clear to me when I knew that Donald Trump would be president again that I could not allow him to live in my head for another four years. Enough. I’m evicting him and his rot. Think of it as an intervention on Hoarders. I’m taking out the trash. I guess you could say that I have a concept of a plan of how to go about this. Here’s what I’ve got so far:
Avoid cable news like it is radioactive
I cannot listen to his “They’re eating the cats and dogs” droning voice any longer. I cannot look at his spray tan trainwreck of a face. I will miss my TV wife Nicolle Wallace the most, but it’s time to say goodbye. Talking heads is not news – even if it is on MSNBC. I will listen to some selective podcasts and read the NY Times on my phone – until Maureen Dowd drives me to hit the cancellation button once and for all. I already ditched the Washington Post when Jeff Bezos left Democracy to die in the darkness of his billions. My gay husband suggested I subscribe to NPR’s Up First newsletter and podcast as a sort of methadone clinic for political news junkies. I might do that, but for now, I’m staying with British crime shows and Seinfeld reruns.
Become a Disinformationbuster!
I know this sounds like a fulltime position with bad hours and no benefits, but I do think that disinformation – deliberate, of course – was a major factor in this election. Let’s take for example, those ads vilifying transgender people. If you live in a battleground state, you saw them in your sleep.
AdImpact, an analytics firm, reported that Republicans spent nearly $215 million on anti-trans network TV ads alone – not including the spending on cable and streaming ads. There are about 1.6 million transgender people over 13 in the United States – representing 1 percent of the U.S. total population. And yet the Trump campaign spent more money on anti-trans ads than any other issue. Overkill? Nope, just the standard playbook for Republicans as Nancy Pelosi noted in a recent NY Times interview – “guns, gays, and God.” Once again, Republicans hammered Democrats on cultural issues to stoke the fears of conservative voters. I can tell you that being used as political collateral – again – by the GOP is not a good feeling.
Just don’t be a dumbass!
And Trump repeatedly made the absurd claim that schools are secretly sending children for gender-affirming surgeries. What the absolute fuck? And some people with a college degree still voted for him – although I’d like to see their GPAs. We have got to stop normalizing these lies because the mainstream media is not going to do it – at least not loudly enough.
So, when my friend from high school who never left the little town we grew up in posts about Democrats supporting after birth abortions and adds the prayer hands emoji for good measure, I’m going to respond with FACTS. No more free passes because you’re old or we’re related or we’ve been friends for so long. Nope. I will be respectful, but I will not ignore your participation in the promotion of these often dangerous falsehoods.
Do something!
Unlike Melania, I’ll give Michelle Obama credit where credit is due.
I’m not just going to keep howling at the moon. Now is the time for everyone to use their particular set of skills to help protect the most vulnerable among us in an even more dangerous Trump administration. I’m a writer, so I’m going to write more. Lots more. I’m thinking about starting a weekly newsletter type piece – sort of a Dollar Tree local version of Heather Cox Richardson – only without her blazing intellect and amazing context of history. The content would be a combination of pith (again, not a typo) and vinegar, but also useful information about what we can do locally as the opposition. I’m still working out the details, but the response to my election night post made me think there’s an audience – albeit a small one – for this type of content. So, stay tuned.
Jennifer is my people and she took her son to vote with her and let him put her ballot in the machine.
And I’m going to try and carry the joy and hope of this campaign with me for as long I can. I’ve worked in politics a long time and I’ve never felt anything like these 107 days. I got involved early on with my local Democratic Party and I was gob smacked by the sheer number of volunteers from day one. Some days, you could hardly find an open parking space at headquarters.
Campaigns aren’t all Beyonce and pizza. There’s a ton of grunt work that has to be done – such as assembling campaign literature and collating it into bags for canvassers. I did this several days and I saw the same group of women at the tables every time. They were mostly my age and older – retired but they showed up like it was their job.
It was like a book club sweatshop. They had all gotten to know each other and chatted away as they worked. They shared stories about their children and grandchildren and, of course, they talked politics a lot. I didn’t know any of these women – and yet I did. I knew that they had cried the same hot tears I did in 2016 when Hillary Clinton lost. And I knew that they believed that Kamala Harris would become the first US woman president. There was something so moving about their laser focus and camaraderie. They had waited a long time and they were not going to let it slip away this time. I will miss these women.
I met this woman in line at early voting. She’s been waiting longer than me for a woman president. I loved her moxieand, yes, she’s my people.
Once we had a good inventory of packets, we could start canvassing – knocking on doors for the unacquainted. It’s not for everyone, but I love it. It was even more fun because I did it with my good friend Beth. She moved here a couple of years ago from the bluest of the blue states – California. I think she had some electoral sticker shock when she started to learn more about North Carolina politics, but she was all in.
My little friend Scout and her parents and grandmother are my people. She has a chronic health condition and a concept of a plan is not helpful to her. Photo: Michael Scoggins
Yes, a lot of folks don’t answer their door and those dang ring doorbells have become a real buzz kill for canvassers. Also, you can feel pretty silly leaving a voice message for a doorbell. That said, we had a high number of good conversations with voters. I’m such a political nerd that I get really excited and often emotional about talking to voters. I consider it a privilege when they share their thoughts – and sometimes their hopes and dreams.
Canvassing with my dear wife was one of the sweet highlights of this campaign. She has never done anything like this and I was so proud of her engagement. She’s also way better at directions than me, so that was a real bonus.
These conversations stuck with me and Beth and I both thought of the same one when we met for coffee a few days after the election. We pulled up to a modest home one Sunday afternoon when we were canvassing and saw a dilapidated van parked on the grass by the side of the driveway. A Latino woman, probably in her late 40’s, was getting some things out of the van and looked up at us. Her expression was anxious and even a little fearful. I called out a friendly “Hi” and introduced myself and told her that Beth and I were from the local Democratic party. She softly said, “Democrat?” I nodded yes, and the expression on her face immediately relaxed. I explained that we were hoping to speak with the couple on our list who lived in the house. She told us they were not at home and surprised us by volunteering that they had already voted. And then she pointed to the flyer that Beth was holding and simply said, “Kamala.” We all broke into big smiles – and hers was so beautiful. She told us she could not vote because she is not yet a citizen but explained that she was here legally and hopes to become a citizen by February. [Please insert prayers]
She went on to tell us that she loves Barack Obama and that she wants to vote for his wife one day. We laughed and assured her that we all feel that way. Her face was downright beatific when she spoke of how much she admired the Obamas. I want America to deserve that face.
As I thanked her for her time and prepared to leave, I reached out to pat her arm and she gently pulled me in for a big hug. Damn. I long to live in that hug today. Beth and I both spilled a few tears in our lattes as we wondered aloud what would happen to her – this kind other from another country.
There were so many wonderful conversations – the young black student from App State who was so excited about voting for the first time, the 93-year-old man with a thick German accent who was delighted to tell us he had already voted for Kamala and shouted out, “Go girls!” as we walked away, and the woman who said her daughter was coming home from college that weekend so they could vote together for the first woman president. Gulp. Yep, those conversations stay with you, especially when so many dreams are denied.
I drove folks to the polls for early voting. My new friend Charlena was so excited to vote for Kamala, she forgot to put her teeth in. I get it! She’s my people.
I’m gutted and I’m angry and I’m scared – some days all of those things at the same time. But you know what? I loved every single minute of this campaign and I will not let the results steal my joy. I love my people and in my daily life, I am blessed that there are way more of them than those other people. So, I’m not going to participate in the post-mortems of why we lost and what we should have done. I’ve endured enough mansplaining for several lifetimes. And at the end of the day, you know you’re on the right side of history if all the worst people are happy.
Lord knows it’s hard. I find myself at the grocery store making eye contact with strangers as they’re picking up that carton of eggs wondering, “Was it you?” I know that sounds a bit like Michael Corleone, but the results of this election do feel like a betrayal of so many of the principles that so many of us hold dear. And I’ll never understand how anyone could have felt good about casting their vote for Trump and the vile and harmful malevolence he represents.
Shame on you. Shame.
The best advice I’ve gotten as I’ve been wallowing in despair came from my young friend Will, the son of one of my best friends from fourth grade. Will is in his late 30’s and works as an accountant. He is differently abled and like all of us who represent a minority, is worried about what a new and emboldened Trump administration will mean for his community. We love to talk sports – especially since my wife has below zero interest in that subject. He told me the story of how Jackie Robinson was angry and worn down by the racism he was experiencing as the first African American to play in Major League Baseball. Robinson’s wife simply told him, “Keep showing up.”
And that’s what Will said to me at the end of our long conversation late last week when I was feeling so hopeless – “Keep showing up, Addison.”
Okay, I hear you, Will. I’ll keep showing up. And when we show up, we win. Eventually.
Until then, take my advice and stay away from the egg cases.
DANGER ZONE!Kamala Harris for the People – my peopleI’m not great with directions, but I know we can get there from here.
That was the text I got from my dear friend Chris last Friday night. She is not one to normally share her digestive issues, so I sent her back a perplexed emoji.
“RBG is dead” was her response. Oh. My. God. The words most of us have prayed we would never hear – well, at least not until Joe Biden was safely sworn into office.
Ruth Bader Ginsberg. March 15, 1933 – September 18, 2020.
We were so foolish. How did we expect an 87-year-old/pound woman who had cancer 17 times to survive long enough to save us from ourselves? So, I did what a lot of people did last Friday night. I wept. The flat-out ugly cry. And then I cursed God and humanity and rent my garments in an Episcopalian sort of way. And then I felt fear. That kind of fear you feel deep in your gut – cold as steel.
I saw a montage of every civil rights march, vigil and meeting I’ve ever been to race before my eyes. Only the montage was running backwards – like Benjamin Button’s aging – all those things so many of us have fought so long and hard for – women’s rights, gay rights, trans rights, healthcare, all disappearing. I turned on MSNBC – I know I’m a liberal cliché and I can live with that. It was the first time I was praying for FAKE NEWS, but it was real. And then, before RBG’s ferocious tiny body was cold, Mitch McConnell announced he would work to fill her seat as soon as possible. And that’s when I got angry. White hot rage. And that’s pretty much where I have remained and that’s okay – that’s a great place to be 39 days before this election. Rage gets shit done.
I’ve been working for Progressive Project Turnout for the past two months and we just moved into Phase 2 of our operations – ballot chasing. Think of it as storm chasing for political nerds. I don’t have a cool truck or Helen Hunt by my side, but I do have my trusty data that tells me who requested a mail-in ballot but has not yet returned it. Sexy, right? Damn straight.
Ballot Chaser. Coming soon to a phone near you.
The truth is that talking to voters is the thing that has saved me since RBG died. I was dreading getting on the phone that first Ruthless Saturday afternoon. I was teary and anxious and wondered if I could maintain my neutrality with a Trumper. My first call was to a woman in rural Pennsylvania. “What do you want?” she barked at me and I could feel tears brewing. I gave my spiel, took a deep breath, and popped the question, “Are you supporting Joe Biden on November 3rd?” She said – and I swear on RBG’s gavel that I am not making this up – “Hell, yes. He’s next to the Lord in my book. I love Joe Biden.” I checked to make sure that I had not called Jill Biden and I thanked the phone bank Gods and felt a smile on my face for the first time since Ruth died. But wait, that’s not all – she went on. “I confess that I kinda liked Trump when he was on that stupid reality show, but when he talked about grabbing women by the hoo-hoo, I knew I could never vote for him. You know, I loved Obama. I wish he could have served forever like the Queen of England.” It was an embarrassment of Democratic riches and it was just what my weary soul needed to hear.
I needed backup on my first day at work without RBG.
My next call was to a deplorable who told me to go to hell. And that was perfect, too – it got my blood pumping – my deep blue blood. Call after call, one clear theme emerged – voters are mad as hell and they aren’t going to take it anymore. And here’s the other thing – a TON of people have already voted. I love those calls! These voters are so cute – like the student that hands in their homework early for extra credit. They are proud to tell me that they have voted, and I give them a shiny virtual participation trophy and my endearing thanks.
These call shifts have gotten more difficult though – probably a combination of my grief from RBG’s death and the anxiety of the election drawing closer. Some days I feel like a sponge – soaking up the angst and fear and hopes and dreams of the voters I am speaking with. I am exhausted when my day is done, but the good news is that these folks are giving me hope with their testimonials to democracy. And their stories. Good God, the stories.
I spoke to a woman in her late 50s who was in the hospital recovering from her 24th surgery related to a horrible car accident that killed her husband many years ago. I apologized for bothering her, but she was all in for talking to me. She has raised five children on her own and told me that because of her pre-existing conditions, if Trump erases the Affordable Care Act, “I might as well shoot myself in the head.” I hope she was kidding. She has already mailed in her ballot.
I wondered how many folks would talk about the Supreme Court vacancy. A 21-year-old college student -a woman – told me the most important issue to her in this election was healthcare – until RBG died – now it was the Supreme Court and protecting the rights of women. As she said, rather eloquently, “Shit just got real.” That’s pretty much what a young trans woman in Philadelphia told me, too. She’s worried about losing her legal marriage status to her partner. That one hit close to home. Damn.
My dear friend Lynn created this beautiful gourd a few years ago in honor of Justice Ginsberg. It is one of my most treasured possessions. She calls it Ruth’s Dissent.
And the conversations around racial justice continue to gut me. I talked to a black man in his early 60s. When I asked him what issue was most important to him in this election, he said somberly, “Some justice. Not equal justice – I know that will never happen. Just some justice.” This was the same day that dry wall got more justice than Breonna Taylor. And there was the older woman in Rockingham, NC who told me she’s never missed a vote in any election. She explained, “Honey, you know folks don’t consider what black women think about anything too much. Other than raising my kids, the most important thing I’ve ever done is vote.” Conversations like this are not soon forgotten.
Everyone has a story. I spoke with an 86-year-old woman who graduated from nursing school in 1956. She’s still working – because she wants to – as a home health supervisor. She talked to me about income inequality and the CNAs that work for her company for $10.25 an hour – while working their other two jobs. She has two grandchildren in college who both contracted COVID-19 and were very sick. “I’m a nurse. This is not a hoax,” she said. She’s voting for Joe Biden – the 13th president she will have voted for. Her mother lived to be 106, so let’s hope she gets to vote to re-elect Kamala Harris in 2032.
Over mine and 204,057 dead bodies.
Democracy is a word I hear a lot on my calls. Many of the people I speak with talk about our democracy being vandalized by Trump and they are not having it. They are sick and tired of a president who spews division and hate and continues to undermine our institutions. They speak with pride of how great our country is – this is especially moving to hear from folks who were not born here. Like the Latinix woman who told me that she had lived in several other countries. “We have a lot of rights here, but if we don’t fight to keep them, we will lose them. I’m going to be the first one in line when early voting starts.” I bet she will be, too.
“The vote is precious. It is the most powerful non-violent tool we have in a democratic society, and we must use it.” ~ John Lewis
And some days it is the simple kindness of strangers that makes me believe that good will prevail over evil on November 3rd. I had a long conversation last night with a 73-year-old man in Durham. He is retired after 55 years of masonry. He told me he has 10 kids – two served in the Marines – and all of them went to college. He preached me a little sermon. “I’m a black man. I’ve seen tyranny. We got too much hate and division in this country. What we got is precious and why do we want to hate and mess it up every day? I believe in love. That man in office is just too much – too much hate. We got to get him out.” Amen, brother. Amen.
And then I thanked him for taking the time to talk to me and share so much and he said in such a genuine way that it might as well have been my own father speaking to me, “I love you so much. And you’re doing a great job.” And in that moment, I thought that ballot chaser was the most noble profession in the world.
Ballot Chaser. The most important job I’ve ever had. The coolest, too.
39 days, my friends. We can do this. We must. Democracy is counting on us. And so is Ruth.
Rest in justice, dear Ruth
Early voting in NC begins on October 15th. Click here to find early voting polling sites where you live.
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